Here is the little Texas guide for all Northerners.
Read this before entering Texas...
Memorize it.

	John

Texas Myths, Legends and Language

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******************* TEXAS MYTHS, LEGENDS AND LANGUAGE *************************
*******************                by                 *************************
*******************        JOHN C. SPONHEIMER         *************************
*******************           (and others)            *************************
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MYTHS AND LEGENDS

The Texas Barking Spider:

It is a small spider of extremely minute size, though never seen, it always is know by a bark (soft or loud) and an extremely disgusting smell. They are known to hang around when Pork and Beans are present. NOTE: Please, if one is ever seen notify the Texas Government.

The Texas Growling Cactus:

It is a small plant of some size (unknown). It tends to hang around bars, ballparks, restaurants, parks, soda shops and the like.... The Cactus, tends to growl, letting out a loud obnoxious noise or sound that may or may not smell. Most Humans tend to have thier mouths open when the Growling Cactus strikes because they are awe-stuck that they have witnessed its presence. NOTE: Again, please notify if one is seen.

The Texas Macro Mosquito:

The Mosquito is rarely ever seen. It is of a variety that can achieve a size of your hand to a small Chevy Truck. This mosquito is highly dangerous due to the fact it can drain a Texas Longhorn in 2.3 seconds. NOTE: If one of this size is seen, notify the local establishment of the Texas Rangers. (not the baseball team)

The Texas Porcupine Eggs:

Although Porcupines are not native to Texas, they have a tendency to lay eggs only of this type in Texas. These eggs are circular in size and have small porcupine-like portrusions. These eggs are painful to handle, so be careful when trying to pick them up, to cook or fry them. There is a strange tendency that modern science has not discovered, they only lay these eggs near Sweet-Gum Trees. NOTE: Never stay around a Porcupine while the egg-laying process is in effect.

The Texas Longhorn:

The Longhorn is a strange beast. This beast ranges in size from, a small normal calf to a huge train-like beast. The smaller beast is not as aggressive as its larger brethren. The larger version, is known for two things. First, it can provide enough meat to satisfy a small third-world country for 2 years. Second, it has also been known to eat a Ford F-150 when it becomes angry or hungry. (notice a chevy was not listed) NOTE: When a large version is seen charging, dont shoot it, it will only make it mad. Just start praying.

The Texas Giant BULLfrog:

This animal is a classic example of Texan Genetics. This animal, beast, or whatever you would call it, has become 20 times its original size to its brothers of the North. This Monstrocity has become a thorn in the side of cattle ranchers and has caused the extinction of a breed of cattle called Bovineous Lactus Undulatous. This cow is now extinct becuase of this horror. The world is saddened by its loss. NOTE: If seen attack on sight. The only effective weapon against it is the Texas Frog Sticker.

The Texas Frog Sticker:

This object is full of history. It was developed a long time ago in the 1800's. It is around 16 inches long and has a metallic sheen. This Frog Sticker was developed by a boy named Bowie. This boy was hunting one day for food when he was attacked by the massive Texas BULLfrog. He started to run as fast as he could, but he could not loose the ravenous BULLfrog. The boy saw no escape in sight, but was destined to live and fight for Texas. He pulled out his 2 inch Swiss Army Knife and grinned evilly. He knew the fight was a loosing battle but he fought anyway. You need not know what happened except that he developed this long object to hunt these BULLfrogs as a sport. They are feared no longer if you carry one of these. NOTE: BULLfrog legs are now a delacasy in Texas.

The Texas Horny Toad:

Rather abundant only certian in times of the year, they are the most "fertile" of the Amphibeous Kingdom. These toads mate like only rabbits wish. These small mindless hormones, live for one purpose and one purpose only; procreate the species. They are of normal size but contain brutal strength when "hot." (this means 99.453% of the time) NOTE: Do not attempt to pick a Texas Horny Toad up. Your hand will become an instant sex toy.

The Texas Redneck:

This subject could take years to explain. But we will try to sum it up in a few sentences. This species, known in the Scientific World as Homosapien RedTexian. They are extremely moody and will shoot anything that insults any of the following things: 1) The Redneck's sex drive 2) The Redneck's alcohol craving 3) The Redneck's boots, hat, jeans, duster, brushpopper, spurs, etc... 4) The Redneck's chewing tobacco or cigarrettes 5) The Redneck's horse 6) The Redneck's guns (notice this is plural) 7) The Redneck's truck 8) The Redneck's dog 9) The Redneck's woman at that particular time 10) The Redneck's speech These rules are a must. Texans think nothing of shooting a deer while in the outhouse just as much as shooting a Yankee insulting him. NOTE: Avoid if from the North, if you value your life.

The Texas Giant CockRoach: (also known as "house guests")

This is the bane of all Texas cities. In some areas this monster gets to be the size of a football. These monsters eat anything, thus the extreme amount of Tax Write-offs Texans do, due to "Natural Disasters." All attempts to exterminate these abominations of nature have failed. The only hope against them is high-caliber assualt weapons, although these fail at times. NOTE: If your place of residence ever becomes infested with these critters, just sit back and relax. Welcome to Texas.

The Texas Noshow:

The mysterious Texas snake that has permanent no shape. It changes its body structure at will and can assume the shape of other snakes. The pure numbers of these animals have never been determined due to the impossibility of location and capture. NOTE: If one is ever captured, please notify the Texas Department of Parks and Wildlife. They will then handle the rest.

The Texas Snipe:

The most msytic and revered animal in Texas. This beautiful animal resides ONLY in Texas. Therefore, this animal must have more than animal intelligence. Snipes are small creatures of around 2 feet in length. They possess small sharp claws on each leg to hunt and dig with. Their fur is brown and rough. They have small eyes, thus they hunt only at night. Their teeth are what make them dangerous, being razorsharp. These animals are hunted at night in large packs. The best thing about snipes is their tastey meat. It is the most loved meat in Texas. NOTE: To catch a Snipe, you must stand in one spot with a bag. This bag is the only way to catch them due to their blinding speed.

The Texas Armored Armadillo:

The toughest, most durable animal known to man. This armadillo can achieve the size of Volkswagon Beetles. If they achieve anything near that size, they have a tendency to follow and attack Lone Star Beer trucks in transit to grocery stores. Lone Star Beer Company now has armed National Guardsman following every convoy of beer to assure that it reaches its destination. Even the National Guard cannot even stand up to these armored maruaders. NOTE: They love to sleep on the side of Texas roads, do not disturb if you find them.

The Texas Cadillac:

This legend preceedes itself. You all know about the small vehicles that approach the 20 foot length. You have not heard the whole story. The big monsters of the fleet reach 50 feet long. Most have a jacuzzi in the rear for the oil ranchers "family." Also, the most famous part of this off-road vehicle is the enormous Texas Longhorn Horns mounted on the front of the hood. These are seen as a status symbol and those that have the bigest ones have the most money. NOTE: These vehicles are used by the military as subsitutes for tanks on occassion, so be careful when hitting something while in it.

The Texas Oil Rancher:

You all know about this legend, or at least you think you do. This giant in human events shaped the southwest. His inginuity decided the course of Texas. An oil rancher can be distinguished by the following features: boots, business suit, stetson cowboy hat and a briefcase. Also, he will be somewhere close to his Texas Cadillac. They take this car as a status symbol. If you insult his car, you may end up dead or in the middle of nowhere hog-tied. They speak with a deep West Texan drawl and take any crack against that as an insult as well. NOTE: These men own eveything in the town so be careful.

LANGUAGE

ya'll or you all

a large number of people

ain't

hell no or shit not

coke

any soda-like product

coke

coke

stop and rob

Seven-Eleven or local "convienent" store

shitter

restroom, hole in the ground, etc....

cow tipping

the act of approching a cow then cruelly pushing the cow over on its side letting it explode in a mass of milk

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This list has been compiled by John C. Sponheimer.  He has used many sources
to compile this large index of facts.
Feel free to distribute this list to others, but please leave the credit to me.
Also feel free to mail me any more ideas you might have.  (southerners only)
Z_sponheimjc@titan.sfasu.edu   (John C. Sponheimer) aka... LORD_SOTH
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