Support Is Hell: The Torture Never Stops

"Oh, yes, we're working on that right now, sir!" (You're $%#* out of luck, buddy!)
"Support is hell, Jeff. I don't know what to do."
"Try some M&Ms."

Chapter 2: The 9 Types of Supporters

  1. The New Kid:
    "Do you have a dog? ... My name? I'll have to get back to you on that."
    Advantage: Can be used as backup often.
    Disadvantage: Is incapable of remembering anything even if told four or five times.
  2. Eager Beaver:
    "Sure, I can write an emulation program by this afternoon ... one of those new boxes? I'd sure like to get my fingers into one. I think I know where there's one just down the hall ... "
    Advantage: Works hard.
    Disadvantage: Makes a lot of work for everyone else.
  3. The Know-It-All:
    "Well, I could tell you how to do that ... but I think I could recommend a better approach ... "
    Advantage: Closes lots of calls.
    Disadvantage: If he doesn't know the answer he makes one up.
  4. The Psycho:
    "READ MY LIPS, YOU BOZO! Are you STUPID or something?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"
    Advantage: Scares customers away.
    Disadvantage: His hobby is collecting guns and you can't sleep at night.
  5. The Aspiring Hacker:
    ring taptaptaptap ring ring taptaptaptap ring ring ring taptaptaptap ring ring ring ring "Will someone get the phone?" taptaptaptap
    Advantage: Answers questions about OS schedulers and internals of IO drivers.
    Disadvantage: Works on everything but what he's supposed to do.
  6. The Counselor:
    "Oh my. Oh dear. Uh huh ... yes ... and then what happened? ... yes, I have plenty of time ... oh, no, no problem, that's my job ... "
    Advantage: Soothes angry customers.
    Disadvantage: Capable of instant jekyll-&-hyde transformation into psycho.
  7. The Intimidator:
    "Why did you do THAT?! Haven't you had any TRAINING?! Don't you know Section 5.1.2.1.1 of the IEEE spec?!"
    Advantage: Customers don't return call.
    Disadvantage: May become your boss.
  8. The Vet:
    "Oh! That's there for backward compatibility. They added it in rev 2.00.03 but they didn't document it."
    Advantage: Solves the most obscure problems casually.
    Disadvantage: Prone to long, tedious, rambling flashbacks.
  9. The Crispy Critter:
    "I don't know. I don't care. Your problem, that says it all, I have my own to take care of. Why are you using this product, anyway?"
    Advantage: He's still working.
    Disadvantage: He's yourself three years from now.
quixote@toysmakeuspowerful.com