Soviet Exports

The once-might Soviet Union has degenerated into a bunch of obscure nations with names like 'Kazoobistan,' populated by would-be capitalists trying to borrow money from us so they can buy frozen-yogurt franchises.

As a geographer, I am always on the lookout for penetrating insights such as this one. (Fortunately, I usually manage to swat them before they penetrate too far. Someday, I'll have to figure out where we packed the insight spray.)

Anyway, after some penetrating research, I came up with the FIRST EVER COMPLETE listing of the obscure nations into which the Soviet Union has degenerated (along with their primary functions). Feel free to reproduce, disseminate, and otherwise engage in intimate activities with the following list:

• OOZEBEKISTAN -- Major supplier of sludge-based consumer products, thanks to extensive slime farms (major exports: Karo syrup, GAK toys for kids, and phlegm).
• FEDORASTAN -- Manufacturing economy, focused on supplying hats for Dick Tracy, Frank Sinatra, Ward Cleaver, and various fictional private eyes; has cooperative ties with:
• HATVIA -- Specializes in specialty headgear, including cute little numbers for Nancy Reagan, Murphy Brown, and assorted recent Popes; last reported home of the two Carmens, Miranda and Sandiego.
• BELALUGUS -- Resort/retirement colony for aged or deceased horror movie stars (capital: Karloffgrad).
• AUFWIEDERSTAN -- Entirely populated by former German Army troops who lost their way during retreat from Moscow in World War II; now dominated by religious cult worshipping aged Volkswagen Beetles.
• MOLDAROMA -- Economy consists of entrepreneurs offering refrigerator-cleaning services (specializing in mystery- Tupperware contents); close ties with the neighboring republic of:
• MILDUVIA -- Extensive involvement in bathtub and shower- stall sanitation enterprises; neighboring republics concerned about this nation's rumored aggressive growth and colonization plans.
• QUACKISTAN -- Economy based entirely on repeated re-runs of film "Duck Soup" and 1950s television series "You Bet Your Life;" the only remaining firmly-Marxist country in the former USSR.
• KYZKYXVYNY -- Primary center for mining and processing new consonants; home of annual Scrabble World Championship.
• POLKOGRAD -- Tourist-based economy, centered on world's largest Lawrence Welk memorabilia museum.
• UPCHUKRAINE -- Heavily involved in recycled-food industry; has intimate trade relationship with two other republics:
• ACKGAGISTAN -- Under President Heimlich, making great strides toward self-sufficiency in mucus and hairball removal equipment; and:
• BOOGARIA -- Scientific colony, devoted to harnessing the power of dried nasal secretions for use as substitute nuclear-reactor fuel and as subject matter for humor columnists.
• TAFFISTAN -- Principal exporter of ersatz salt-water candy to place like Coney Island and Cape May, New Jersey.
• ESTONERA -- Has emerged as major center of drug manufacture and smuggling; recent presidential election featured candidates who bragged about inhaling.
• THE KARILLON AUTONOMOUS REPUBLIC -- Well-known artiste colony; major occupation: writing catchy tunes for bell towers on assorted Ivy-League college campuses and selected major-city cathedrals.
• GEORGIA -- Republic in deep southern former USSR; primary products include peanuts, cotton, and peaches; headquarters of Cable News Network and site of 1996 Summer Olympics.
• CLULESSIA -- Little information is available on this obscure yet unknown nation; has reputation for dull-witted adolescent inhabitants.