Politically Correct Unix

This joke was originally posted (as far as I know) by John Valenti of the Michigan State University.

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct."

Politically Correct UNIX

System VI Release notes

Utilities:

man pages are now called person pages.
Similarly, hangman is now the person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime.
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the cat command is now merely domestic_quadruped.
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for yes - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a no command, along with a -f[orce] option which will crash the entire system if the no is ignored.
The bias of the mail command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral gendre command.
The touch command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
compress has been replaced by the lightweight feather command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via tar and feather.
The more command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable less command.
The biodegradable KleeNeX displaces the environmentally unfriendly LaTeX.

Shell Commands:

To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the kill command has been renamed euthanise.
The nice command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be nice. In System VI, the sue command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
history has been completely rewritten, and is now called herstory.
quota can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced.
The abort() function is now called choice().

Terminology:

From now on, rich text will be more accurately referred to as exploitive capitalist text.
The term daemons is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as spiritual guides.
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between dumb and smart terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, normal video (as opposed to reverse video) was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses regressive video to refer to white on black, while progressive video can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of root and his wheel oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be owned by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed PC - for Procreatively Challenged.

UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories. Any similarty of names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

quixote@toysmakeuspowerful.com