Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own eyes. Worse, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad news. After centuries of US citizens believing that there is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. The bad news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has great news and even better news. God, by calling him to heaven along with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has confirmed just how important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM will stop shipping OS/2.